huh...

I sit here, needing to be cleaning, yet unable to lift anything that resembles a finger... I fear for myself... I have lost a great deal of motivation in the last few weeks, the disgusting part of that is that this is the one time that I need motivation the most. I feel like I did after the breakup, alone and watching the rest of the world scream past me.

My little sister scared me the other night. She wanted to share her latest substance with me... I unfortunately was already on that same god damned substance... It really scared me to the bone. Never before had I thought that my ease of slipping into a stupor might bleed not only into my social and economic life but the life of my blood, my kin... I was appalled at myself. Granted she did what she was going to do regardless of weather I was there or not, and I don't really know that I could have stopped her without looking hypocritical. Nevertheless she scared me. Not to boot when I tried to call my mum to talk to her about the situation my sis answered... coming off of a binge. I about died right there. She was there crying to me to make this all go away and I was calling to rat her out... I never got a chance to rat on anyone, luckily she did the hard part that I didn't, that is tell mum.

But things are getting better. Elle is moving back in, I don't have a finantial drain that I used to (other then Costco... damn them and there bulk foodstuffs). I have my girl back, and that is a good thing. I feel like I have lost friends, and I have. Friends come and go, as they say. Family is all you can count on.