March 23, 2006
Brad.
I cannot find peace with the thought of letting that man back into my life. I want to destroy everything that he touches. I cannot call him a friend anymore, if ever again. I would walk past him if he were bleeding in the street. I wish him nothing bad, the hate I had for him has passed, leaving only resentment and an understanding on how much he actually fucked with my life. Yes the situation is getting better, yes he did not physically harm my body. He shattered my soul, fucked with the single most beautiful thing that I have ever seen, experienced, or longed for. He continues to try to "talk" to me, I really have nothing to say to him. He was never a friend to me for what he has done. No amount of "talking" will ever change what I know. Brad, you are dead to me. I don't say that to people that I want to see in my life. Goodbye.
6 comments:
I have done everything that was asked of me to try and make things right - to try and make things better - and you crucify me and abuse me as your scapegoat like a lost frightened child. Everything was fine for awhile there Carter, wasn't it? Or was it just a big fucking lie to make everything seem better? You cannot deny what efforts I had put forth because I did make them and I did meet every expectation laid before me by you and by her... Every last one of them... And still I am the one to be left behind? Why must there be times when every effort possible is not enough? After all the work that I have put forth... After being blamed for everything when it is only half my fault, why am I still the one holding all the broken hearts with tear shed eyes with nothing left? When all is said and done; when all is lost and the world I love continues to tumble away from me - who am I to blame for shattering everything beautiful to me? Tell me Carter, what do you know? Because to me, it doesn't sound like you know a god damned thing - I'm your friend now and I always will be, regardless of what little bubble you hide in hoping everything will be fine... And I hope it is, but when you are ready to stop hiding, when you are ready to stop being a coward, when you are ready to sit down and make a logical fucking decision, call me. Until then, I expect a response to this post, if you really are breaking ties, I demand closure.
I do apologize for calling you a coward, Carter - that was out of line and I did not mean it. I've had a terrible day today. When I posted last I was incredibly upset; I've lost many things that I find beautiful today and I'm sorry that my frustration, anger, ect, came out on you of all people. You don't deserve it, especially from me.
Please, do know that you are not the only one that has lost things you care(d) about through all of this, Carter. I've lost a girl whom would probably be my girlfriend at this very moment if not for what had happened (it's actually a very large part of why I am so frustrated today), a person closer to me than anyone else has ever been (whom I hope some day will be there again), and you. I guess I should not expect you to understand or even relate to what frustrations I have dealt with in recent months, you have dealt with many as well, I know, but no one can take back what's done. Your friendship, like I said when we had our talk months ago, I did undervalue, and I still regret that. I miss you Carter - I miss coming back from work, meeting you at the gate, and giving you a hug before we go inside to take shots and nerd out... I try to regret nothing in this world because there is little time for grief when life is so short and everything so beautiful is constantly whirling around us, twirling into depths unbeknownst to mere humans... This I cannot help, but regret, however.
In the corner now, my lone lamp flickers - a sure sign of what's left of my happiness - and sanity - slipping into obscurity...
I have been thrown out and tossed away just as many times as I've taken breath in this life, Brad; I've looked the love of my life in the eyes and heard unfliching, flinging words of hate. On more than one occasion, with more than one love I have felt betrayed, battered and bruised, almost suckled to extinction by the unnerving, sour faced child that I know this life to sometimes be... So don't, for one fucking minute, try to pull that "you too would understand" bullshit. Stop waiting with bated breath for a shattering of a world that was partially you're clumsy hands that knocked aside because that world is not going to re-assemble itself; the pieces are already crystaline catches in the sun, miniscule radiances that bring bittersweet memories. You paint yourself a Jesus, crucified by his people, yet really you stand on cobbled legs, screeching out, keening for some solace to soothe the ache, but there is no soft whisper back. Pull yourself down from wounded crosses that neither Carter nor I put you upon and hobble home, because we have all gashed our own skin open, with none other to blame but ourselves. I'm sick of hearing of how you're such a scapegoat, when I'm the one that deals with the anger, I'm the one that feels the hatred when he's outbursting and upset about legitimate concerns, I'm the one that has faced family and friend to be with him and then have him throw me away... I fucked up, he fucked up, we've fucked up together to be come back together. You refuse to be humble, refuse to accept the requests I've been pleading with you regarding space and time, and then have the absolute audacity to call Carter a coward for needing time, sanctuary, and venting his emotions in his own space? Take responsibility and stop demanding for your closure, otherwise I might have to demand that I never see you again.
I paint myself as nothing, other than what I am and what I feel. Never once did I mention a savior. Here Elisse, courtesy of www.dictionary.com:
1. To put (a person) to death by nailing or binding to a cross.
2. To mortify or subdue (the flesh).
3. To treat cruelly; torment: crucified the awkward child with teasing.
4. To criticize harshly; pillory: The media crucified the politician for breaking a campaign pledge
And you say that I refuse to heed the words you speak of time and space? What kind of straight up one hundred percent pure bullshit is that?! You have been telling me all week long (and before that too) that I should speak with Carter - that I should push to make things right with him without you getting involved Elisse - so why are you here defending him when there is no one making an attack? I, of all people, do not need to be told that the world will not reassemble itself - I have been working my ass off to get things rolling on their way back to normal and you two just keep pushing me back to the sidelines like I am not important; like what I say and feel doesn't matter.
I really wish you would stop misinterpreting what I say - I called him a coward not because he is venting in his blog, not because he wants sanctuary, nor because he wants time and space (which by the way neither of which did he mention anywhere, this is something you brought into it). He pointed me here, he wanted me to see this - he wanted me to know how he was feeling about the situation - and I wanted him to know how I feel about the situation; thus I posted. And I posted what I feel, rather than feel-good happy-pants lies that are going to come crumbling down in a heap of flame and stone in months to come. These words are not here to hurt; they are not here to put everything on the table, because from there, we can address them and start making things better.
I think something that we all have forgotten is that there are three parties involved here and I have been pushed to the sidelines for the majority of our time like this to deal with things my own. You two are working towards getting things together, making things alright between you two because you do care about one another, I assume a great deal more than you do for myself, but I am here and do care for the both of you very much. I want to start heading towards the goal I believe we have all set before us; happiness... And I think that addressing these issues as a team, as a group of people who care for one another, is the right way to do it instead of pushing one asside and hoping they can figure things out on their own.
Please don't be mad at me because of what I have said here. Have you read what he wrote? His words cut much deeper than any demand and any name that can be said. "I would walk past him if he were bleeding in the street"? I certainly hope you don't think that is any less offensive than calling someone a coward for not addressing these issues earlier (when they should have been taken care of) and to your face.
Anyway, I would appreciate it if I could get a response from Carter at this time. He is who pointed me here - and I am waiting patiently to hear how you feel deeper than that Carter. What you wrote here is exactly what you said to me on MSN months ago when you asked me exactly what happened between her and I with the addition of "he keeps trying to talk to me". Open up and things will get better.
logical fucking decision: I do not want you in my life. ea: I do not want the cancer that you have become to me and everything that I hold dear to me to consume my spirit and turn me into something I am not.
The "three parties" you refer to are not that, there are two people involved in the reconstruction of the relationship you helped to destroy, that is Elisse, and Carter. You are not, were never, and never will be a part of that. Get over it.
The cruelity that you feel from the situation is a figment of your warped sence of reality.
I do not want to see you again ever.
I do not want to hear anything more from you.
You are dead to me.
If anything in this is hard to understand, or if you have any questions, tough. You gave up your right to talk to me man on man the moment you disregarded my decision. The moment that you and, AND Elisse fucked up ended what friendship we had, and destroyed any chance of me seeing you in my life ever again. If you feel "picked on" or "teased" then that is not my problem. I have never lied to you. Never. I have never told you anything that I would take back. I still think you are bold for everything you have said, done, and talked about. That boldness, I misinterpreted as courage, was the death of you to me.
"Open up and things will get better." I am open to those that mean something to me, you don't. You continue to ask for something from me, all the way from "when can we talk" to "I demand a responce." A dead man makes no demands that I will pay any credence to.
I have my closure - for that I thank you and Elisse. It is done.
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