Foulge

2011-10-20T11:24:00.001-06:00

Holy sweet fucking christhell.

In all my infinite wisdom I accidentally posted my blogger direct to post email when inviting my address book to g+.

Someone decided to hijack the blog with that.

I am gonna fucking kill someone. Not really, but someone using my blog to spam the shit out of shitty half assed scams needs to be dragged out in the virtual street and shot.

Expect me.
I will not forgive.
I will not forget.

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob...

2011-07-18T21:08:00.001-06:00

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2011-07-07T13:07:00.001-06:00

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goodbye facebook

2011-06-07T13:42:00.000-06:00

I just deleted my facebook, as in it will be really gone in 14days from today as long as I don't log in. I don't intend to log in...

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like there isn't anything I need to check, or be updated on. I realized just exactly how integrated it was in my life when I was going through and deleting cookies, saved passwords (I encrypt my HDD so I feel more safe with that...) from my phone, tow browsers in Linux Mint, two browsers in Windows 7 (keep it for the games and tech support of others) and off my microwave (gotta love Linux). I feel free. Granted I will lose out on 231 peoples lives, but I have a phone, with google I have gtalk, skype, and my new friend Twitter (cfoulge). Love it and I look forward to hitting this blog up more and twitter.

Then again I might just ride this wave of euphoria all the way and delete everything. This is my first step to simplifying my life. Now all I have to do is keep up the good feelings.

12-02-2010

2010-12-29T23:15:00.001-07:00

The pangs of my self doubt are subsiding.
The memory of you is the last vestige of...
Nothing stops me from hating
except me.
Too many heart felt feelings of remorse
Not enough settled dust.
After the smoke clears
After the last shot has been fired
I stand still
and I think of that which was
and what is to come.
For the first time
The question that remains unanswered
leaves me not confused
but full of hope.

CF

4-20-10

2010-12-24T01:49:00.000-07:00

The day is new and beautiful. Yet there is an apprehension I cannot quite name, or put my finger on. Maybe it is the fact that I didn't sleep a week last night (12/24/10 same as last night...). Maybe it is the idea that I am so codependent than I ever thought. Perhaps, lastly, that I have lost faith in my ability to make myself happy. Or maybe it is some combination of those things. We must make due with what we are given I guess. Life has a strange way of only allowing us not quite enough information to make a decision that we would deem "informed" but enough to make us think that inaction would be the wrong course of action. I am going to try today to find the beauty that is around me and use it to make me appreciate still having my soul in my body. Life, like a river, flows always. We, as swimmers, can choose to fight it, or go against it, always knowing that either way we are the ultimate masters of our own fate.

life again. Nothing that changes alters.

2010-12-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

It has been a second.

Honestly I have been writing (thank god) but not here. I write in my journal. It is a journal in the old sense. I say what happens around me flavored by nothing more then my own perception. Honestly that is a flawed perception, but I don't try to say I am not objective in the sense that I am only one observer in the world. I am my own opinion, that is all I have to offer. I am not a journalist, I am not a voice that commands millions, thousands, hundreds, or even a "devoted following of peers" but I know that the people I talk to, in all walks of life, agree that what I have to say may be valid today. Pay attention to the dates I am going to post, because many of the things I am about to say have come from the things I have observed over the course of the last year or so. Enjoy, comments are appreciated and welcome.

small-changes

2010-04-15T20:52:00.000-06:00

You can’t change everything.
You can only change one, small thing.
And that’s all it takes

repost from small-changes

Blog I found and like a lot so far as I have read. The whole post is good by me, but this line sticks out in particular.

2010-03-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

"Finally, religion and ethics, which may be fitly called, - the practice of ideas, or the introduction of ideas into life,- have analogous effect with all lower culture, in degradingnature and suggesting a dependence on spirit.

Ralph Waldo Emmerson, Nature

Tipping

2010-02-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

I am in the service industry. I live my life off of the generosity of other people. The world is moved by money. Bartering sounds like fun and all, but we have moved into capitalism with gusto at this point. We see the world around us and everything has a pricetag on it. As a member of the industry I tip well. The few times I have gotten into the convorsation about tips and tipping with people I find out that I am a generous tipper, and that means that I am treated well in the bars I go to, it also means I am more likely to be remembered the next time I go in to a place. People that I don't know, people that I will never probably get to know are nice to me. Why? Because as a good tipper I make their shitty, too much work for not enough pay, job worth more to them. They smile and appreciate me just a little more. I am grateful for the chance to brighten someones day. Then there are those people that don't tip. The people that for some reason or another think that we make a living wage and a tip is something special. I want to be a bartender and make a living wage. That would be amazing. But in this lovely state I live in (Utah) The Man says that $2.13 is perfect for servers because they make tips. $2.13/hr isn't enough to pay one bill, let alone all of them. So when I get stiffed by the foreign prick, or the business man that thinks we need to "work a real job if you want to make a wage", or the rich kid that thinks that 10% of the pre-tax nonwine noncorkage bill is "enough" because if you want money then you should be given it, I wonder if they really know. I don't honestly think that 30% every time is necessary, but 15% is an accepted minimum, for service that was everything you wanted, nothing more. 20% if they were helpful/happy to be there/answered questions. Is that really so much to ask?

2010-02-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

Isaac Asimov is a cool dude. I am just about done with the last anthology of his works, Gold, and am excited to be reading books written by him. He was one of the worlds most prolific writers 468 nonfiction works (thanks) and 462 somodd nonfiction titles (same source) This is really a way for me to wrap my head around the fact that I am a writer, and to actually call myself that I need to actually write. Hence I will be posting something, here or on my Fiction blog, Gaea, every day. I figure it is a big enough goal that I can start trying to pull a little regiment into my otherwise chaotic life. This does mean I might ramble a bit, but that is why the internet is out there, I am doing this more for exorcise then anything.

2010-02-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

Life always seems to come full circle. I wander through this faded haze with the idea that I will do what I "need" to do, that I will figure out my "purpose" and grab it, forever solidifying my spot on this planet and its history. Part of me has woken up. There isn't a purpose, there isn't an answer, there is only the moment, and that is important to realize. We have the now, and it is all that really matters. I don't honestly believe that the world can be run on a minute by minute basis but that is the problem. We have made everything so much about tomorrow, living in the future if you will, that the only thing we can honestly say is that we are constantly running for that proverbial carrot. Then again I don't really think that the future can be written off, in fact I really have a hard time thinking that the future is the only thing that we strive for. If that were true we might not have the climate issues that we have. So let me revise, we stumble blindly into the future not reaching for some carrot, but dragging the dead bodies of everything that has come before us and continuing to pile the slag on. The moment is now. We need a hard reset on history, something needs to change. I just hope that I can be a part of it.

12/09/2009 - Backlog

2009-12-09T21:12:00.065-07:00

I am a technodreamer. Or at least that is what I would like to think of myself as. I believe that humanity will make itself better by furthering technology to it's fullest extent, just as long as we don't kill ourselves through something dumb like a war or global catastrophe (global warming anyone?). It seems to me that the gross majority of the worlds problems can be solved by the continued unification of Earth's people. I believe that we can communicate with any other human at any time then after long enough of that then we will find a peaceful way to coexist. Give every person on this planet a cell phone and a laptop and we will have world peace. Huh. Even me saying that here makes it sound like too big a thing to attempt. But I can't accept that. I cannot sit back and believe that we as a species are destined to continue fighting and killing and destroying because eventually there will be nothing or no one left to fight, kill, or be killed by. Eventually if we keep this up we will all be maimed and so bloodied that the will to continue on will be staunched. Religion, that is organized religion, has no place in politics. None. My personal belief is that religion has no place in a truly organized and peaceful society, but that is only due to the fact that in my experience there is very little that people will kill and die for, and religion is one such thing. The belief that "God" is on our side has caused every major conflict, and most of the little ones too, that has happened. Ever. Not in the last century, the last millennium, but from the time that we have kept records. If we need to put our faith and trust in a higher power then let us believe in the greater power of us. May we believe that we are our own saviors. Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Lao-Tzu, or any of the enlightened beings that have professed that peace is the only way for us to be one with the universe, and at the same time one with each other. We cannot think that we are not the masters of our own destiny. We are in control and we need to take responsibility for our actions. Anyone should be allowed to believe what they want. I won't stop anyone from believing anything that they want to. But when somebody tries to stop me from being what I am, when someone tries to say I am wrong and silence me, I will fight them with every fiber of my being until my last breath. The moving away from superstitious ruling of mankind will allow a better life for all involved. If world peace is possible then it is through everyone realizing that we are all human, nothing separates us except what we let separate us.

If there is a God than It is truly love and nothing more. Not mine, not yours, but ours and for all.

2009-09-25T00:09:00.001-06:00

Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.
- John le Carre

morality

2009-07-08T22:42:00.000-06:00

Aright, if there was a blog post that someone disowns me for here it is. But I have an idea that I need to write down and even if only one person has a slightly different way of thinking because of my words then I am happier because of it.

My life is full of religion. I live in one of the most religious states in the US and I find myself in a unique position to observe the intricacies of the people that label themselves as religious. Religion is about control. I am not saying that churches are trying to take over the world, but the people that proselytize the idea that religion will save a soul, or stop a war don't see the big picture. Hell, most wars have been started about religion and more people have been killed because they were of different religions then any other reason. The holocaust was christian based and the church doesn't like to admit that, 9/11, the ongoing conflict in the middle east, all of these modern examples are just the conflicts that come to mind as I type this. But I am not really here to bash any church in particular. Doing that wouldn't alter the cycle in any way shape or form. Religion has taught us to value life, to keep something going because "god" mandated it. God is a lie. That isn't the atheist coming out in me, that is the idea that the God that we have presented to us as an ultimate being that has our best interest at heart isn't realistic. We should realize that any god with our real interest at heart wouldn't allow us to destroy the world that it created. "god" (as presented by mainstream religion) is nothing more then a way to control the masses and to make people rich. Prove me wrong, please.

Religion teaches us that humans are meant to rule this world, that human life is precious and priceless. Where has that got us? We are runing out of resources, global warming (not a theory any more, fact, the temperature is rising), overpopulation, an economy based on greed and the ability to exploit the masses for personal gain (capitalism, sorry guys, great theory and all but it isn't working), the prevailing idea that we as people in the system have no say about how our lives are lived except that we can choose which shitty dead end job we will live with till we find another shitty dead end job that is "better" because it gives us the ability to live more out of our means. I sound like a communist... eh, I have been called worse things.

Morality has nothing to do with human life any more and we need to stop thinking that humans have some kind of "divine mandate" to do anything. Morality should be about sustaining the home we live on, not pressing outdated and old fashioned ideals onto the youth of this and every country. The world has enough humans. With a population of 10,000 we should try to reproduce, with a population of 6,768,167,712 we need to stop. We aren't talking about survival only if we reproduce, we are talking about not being able to survive if we keep doing what we are doing.

Cans

2009-06-18T12:24:00.000-06:00

Here I am again putting things into cyberspace from my soliude. Lovin life and glad that I am in my favorite plae in the world. 300+ pics when I get bact, so I have some sorting nd editing when I get bact to my big computer.

amazing

2009-06-15T21:35:00.000-06:00

I am amazed that I am able to post this pic I took today from my cabin. Middle of nowhere, internet you don't have anything on this.

2009-05-26T00:41:00.000-06:00

"I am a agnostic social liberal! So now that I know what I am I can really be me!"
-Em

two tommorows one yesterday

2009-05-09T20:09:00.000-06:00

I have talked to my friend in Sweeden, for free. instant communication across thousands of miles at real time, for free. This is but one tiny example. We have the opportunity to be able to change this world as it needs to be changed. People these days still are thinking with a dollar and cent mindset. How much is it going to cost. Where are my hard earned dollars going that I have earned?

This needs to stop. We need to start listening to that little thing inside of us that tells us who we are. I am not talking about your undying soul saved from hell by Jesus himself (rest in peace) I am talking about that little part of you that understands that you are not the only thing in this universe. That I am. The idea is that we are on this earth and a part of this earth for a reason. We are here to uncover some aspect of truth, or so we are told. Truth isn't something that we can call "this" or "that" each persons truth is their own. People have tried saying that over the years with varying levels of sucess. Most of the time they are seen as peacemakers. Agents of change in this soup that we call the masses. It is time to stop thinking with the part of our bodies that wants to be comfortable, and start thinking about the unification of everything, or everyone rather. We as a species are on the edge of a knife. We face our own destruction, yes at our own hands, but we won't live to see the end, no we damn our children and grandchildren to starve and die slowly while we take the cheap way out, dying while everything falls to shit.

We need to start living with this world, not on it. There are vast changes that need to be put into place before we can think about the next step. I just hope it happens before it is too late.

2009-04-07T00:55:00.001-06:00

I am a design chauvinist. I believe that good design is magical and not to be
lightly tinkered with. The difference between a great design and a lousy one is
in the meshing of the thousand details that either fit or don't, and the spirit
of the passionate intellect that has tied them together, or tried. That's why
programming -- or buying software -- on the basis of "lists of features" is a
doomed and misguided effort. The features can be thrown together, as in a
garbage can, or carefully laid together and interwoven in elegant unification,
as in APL, or the Forth language, or the game of chess.
-- Ted Nelson

drunk as a sailor, cousin/roomate just turned 21

2009-03-29T01:37:00.000-06:00

Cheers to everyone who is drunk. I am celebrating my cousin/roommate's 21st birthday. Happy birthday John Parker. Hopefully I would think in the morning you were thanking me. Prolly not...

2009-03-26T11:44:00.000-06:00

If one was able to escape the attention we lavish on ourselves one might be satisfied at the realization that no two Journeys are alike, and the ultimate reality is created by the individual and the individual is always alone.
Sharing company with others is a privilege, not a right of passage.

-Emily

(my girl used my eee for a sec and left that little snippet on my notepad. I asked her where she got the quote from and she said it was from her. Lovin that.)

thought

2009-03-22T01:04:00.000-06:00

Why is it that I am drawn to the people that need to be the last in line. Those people that feel like the world gives a shit about them even when they really don't.

drunk as a sailor. thought I'd share a thought.

2009-03-20T00:59:00.000-06:00

I really do love the fact that I have paid for none of the hardware, or software for that matter, that I write to you right now on. And the better thing is it is all legal and legit!

I don't get why normal people don't understand that they really shouldn't PAY for that which is free ad easy! arg!

Goodnight!

you are the I am

2009-03-14T12:53:00.000-06:00

This world is only as you perceive it,

of course what you decide to do with that perception is up to the will behind the perception, therefore the perception of the world is controlled by the collective will. Nothing in this world is honest in it's being without the world flavouring it constantly by the will around us. no one seems to be able to give me a good answer to the question of "why I am here" and don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people that have tried. I just refuse to believe in a god that smites creation. I don't see an omnipresent, omnipotent being really caring about if there are things out there using it's name to make someone feel like they are worthless. That they don't mean anything unless they give over will to the being that gave them free choice. Yet the gross majority of people in the world adhere to the idea that there is something out there that they must please.

Well, here is what I have to say. You are the I am. You and me and every person on this cold bluish-grey rock flying through space. We are the I am. The awakening of the human consciousness in this reality happened long before I was born, yet at the same time there is a point in every persons life when they realize that they are the only thing in this cosmos that they can count on. People will try to distort and distract themselves from this fact by letting things happen to there will that rob them of free thought. Free thought is more important then free speech. Free thought implies that you don't let the distractions of the people that don't understand that they are the only divinity that they need in this world is inside of them. I don't want to imply that humanity is divine, far from it, humanity has it's flaws just like anything that is allowed to grow naturally. But humanity is different, we carry the innate ability to question the world around us as well as the ability to communicate with others about the questions that we come across and most importantly, the answers that manifest in each person.

I am not denying the existence of god here, merely presenting the idea that there IS a god, and it manifests in all of us through our own interactions in this world and the sharing of those interactions with others. God doesn't sit in cloud casting judgements on creation, god sits in all of us, allowing the communal perception of the world to manifest itself again. Bless yourselves, and everyone around you.

eric

2009-03-04T01:05:00.000-07:00

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thursday

2009-02-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

I realized just now, every moment in my life has been strung together to every other moment, all the good, the bad, anything that has hampered me, all that has been here to help me, everyone who told me that I wouldn't do anything with myself, everyone who knew that I was going to change everything. All of it has brought me to this tiny coffee shop in salt lake city. From here I must decide the fate of my future, and of everything. Here is where I sit and wonder if it is all worth it. If there is something in this world worth fighting for. I don't think that there really is anything. Maybe that is the part of me tht lost faith talking. Maybe that is the person who wanted to give in , to let this whole world be lost in the flurry that was to follow. Yet I am here. Alone for now. Happy to be doing what I need to.

2009-01-29T09:03:00.001-07:00

I find myself wondering if my life really does have to be like this. I am currently in a struggle to be able to pay for my school. There are people here (I am in class...) that are getting a free ride and here I am struggling to pay rent let alone tuition. Where is the government when I cannot do something to better my life. I will be honest that I have not applied to financial aid, and maybe if I get some of that I will not be bitching as much. But for now there still is the fact that I must choose between living my life and furthering my future in this world.

Class is about to start though. ttfn

christmas and new years

2009-01-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

Good lord!! Way too much fun to be had last night. I got a nifty eeePC and it rocks my world. I would be writing to you on that but I am reinstalling the OS. Seems like I do that for fun these days, sad sad life...

2008-11-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

Returning is always one of those things that happen that you never knew how it would make you feel untill it actually happens. I really don't like not having the internet... It is like being held underwater for way too long.

We have a new president. This is a good thing. 40% of Utah voted for him too! that tells me the majority is waning and my vote said something. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Hell, at this point that is all old news.

I came to a realization, drinking in my life isn't a good thing. It drains my money, I wake up hungover, never want to do anything, and generally act like a complete ass when I have been drinking. So I stopped. As a bartender, not drinking is hard, everyone tastes things they make, I like to know if I made something well or not, and the excess is free and ready, but I don't want to drink the way that I have been. Honestly. I may go back to it at some point, but not to the levels that I have been.

Life goes on, and here I am plugging forth.

RIP - Jessica Dawn Lessien

2008-10-31T13:25:00.000-06:00

Rest in Peace Jessica Dawn Lessien. Friend, beautiful person, good people. She died last night to complications in the hospital. She will be missed by all.

2008-10-28T14:06:00.000-06:00

I felt like a kid at christmas sitting on the end of my bed, opening the packaging of my video card. I opened it, tore the rest of the packaging off and slapped that puppy into my computer. No beeps, no error, it booted all the way till Vista started. then froze... I reset, thinking that I needed to change something in BIOS I dropped to that and changed a couple things around, I noticed that it wasn't running a mem test so I had it do that too...

and it stalled at boot again.

The first error was about the CPU fan not spinning up I ignored this one, it is a common one and not that big of a deal, the next was that memtest failed, that is a big one (means RAM is no bueno), and then I was back to square one. One long, two short beeps. That is a motherboard error code, you get those when the mainboard can't display anything through the video card. It was the same code as before, so I knew what it was... my mainboard failed as I was installing a new video card.

It honestly felt like a part of my soul died right there.

On top of this with the memtest failing I now know that the RAM is bad. I actually screamed loud enough to have my neibor text me to ask if I was alright, he thought I was getting killed or something. I said I was fine, stepped outside, bought a pack of smokes and smoked three of them in a row... I haven't smoked in days, didn't want to smoke, I just did.

If there is a god then he fucking hates me and everything I stand for. I am still paying for this damned computer. Now I have to replace a mainboard, RAM, and prolly the CPU. I might as well have bought everything myself and built the damned thing from scratch. Needless to say I am irate, this thing is less then two years old, I had it for less then six months and then it failed. I have half a mind to give the fucker back to my friend and say I don't want the damned thing anymore.

2008-10-23T02:16:00.000-06:00

I just bought a video card cause I was depressed... wtf? really? lol...

sober by choice, borde by design, and lonely because I can hear myself think.

2008-10-17T21:36:00.000-06:00

You know what? I need to quit bitching. Honestly. I sit on my ass worring why I am so this or so that, and there are people that worry about there next meal, worry about the next paycheck. I don't. I know that I will work, life will work, I will continue to bitch and moan about whatevrer I might run into and life will go on. I just wish that I didn't have my brain going at a thousand miles per second... That is really starting to get on my nerves, the whole "no sleep" thing really blows...

eh, I am frustrated...

wired no longer!!!

2008-10-06T22:54:00.000-06:00

(bloggers note: I understand the redundancy in three exclamation points, here I use it cause I am refering to a geeky thing, most of the time I will try to use proper grammer, I am excited though...)

I got this nifty device to work for me that allows my old as sin laptop to access wireless networks, like the one in my appartment. therefor I am no longer tethered to some ethernet cord and can blog, upload and generally fuck around anywhere I want to. This is a liberating for me, the thing is that I am still learning linux so this is a big thing for me. hardware manufactures don't make stuff for linux, you have to make it yourself or find it online, and this allows me to connect to networks that otherwise would be not available to me... I love my life right now...

home again

2008-10-06T02:13:00.000-06:00

I really love that place...My cabin is officially closed... I am sore in more places then I knew existed. Pulled, chopped, and split 4.5 cords of wood. Then mixed concrete to cement the dock posts in... my back hurts, arms, legs, the list goes on. Did I mention that this was in the two days I was up there? It was fast, hard work. And now I am done.

More pics? soon, I got a few good ones. two out of 200+ isn't all that bad, and storage is free... these two for now. picassa will be updated...

2008-10-03T02:16:00.000-06:00

"I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood.
- Tom Hanks"

cabin, helix3, and sobriety...

2008-10-03T00:18:00.000-06:00

I get to go to my favorite place in the whole world this weekend... My cabin, sadness is that I am closing the place, but the good news is that I will be able to spend some much needed time with my father, something I haven't been able to do in years... I am excited about all these things. and trust me there will be pictures to catolog the whole weekend.

Helix3 is a liveCD distro of linux (just google that one, I really don't want to explain that here...) that I just found that allows me to be able to troubleshoot computers, and access them without the owner knowing any better... shinanigans will ensue I assure you...

and last (but not least) I am going to be sober this month. If nothing else this means that I will be writing here more due to the lack of sleep. I really hope this shows me exactly what I need to do with my life. I hope to become a better student and take a ton of pics (and that is alot when they are digital, film weighs more then MB...)

quote...

2008-09-28T01:20:00.001-06:00

Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.
- Sir Arthur Eddington

2008-09-24T20:50:00.000-06:00

random text

2008-09-21T00:01:00.000-06:00

here I am texting everyone in my phone. Good lord that seems like alot of people, not as many as you might think. and here I am, reporting the findings to everyone on my blog... damn I am wierd...

The Text:
To believe is to know you believe, and to know you believe is not to believe.
- Jean-Paul Sartre

the responce (14 off the first batch):
hell, most of it was "who the hell is this?" in differing wordage... huh more to come...

2008-09-19T18:29:00.000-06:00

“Software is like sex: it’s better when it’s free”
Linus Torvalds

rant

2008-09-17T22:34:00.000-06:00

haven't done a rant in a while... I am interested to see how long this one goes...

I am single. I am attractive. I am sweet (not nice, there is a difference in that nice guys finish last, sweet guys don't finish...) and I am in touch with select few of my emotions, at times... (working on that one...) I am a marketable commodity when it comes to dating, I have known worse cases if nothing else. Yet I am not looking to market myself at all. I don't want or need a long term romantic relationship with anyone right now. I am pretty sure I don't even want a short term relationship right now. But my (first) question is this: It seems the people I have romantically interacted with of late are scared/unprepared for anything long term, yet they don't sit long enough to get to know anyone. Why is it as soon as I am not looking for a relationship, neither is anyone else and no one even wants to be friends any more. The one thing I am lacking in my life is a friendship with someone who I could have a relationship with, but don't, and prolly won't ever. I want a hot friend. Seriously. someone I could be attracted to, or am attracted to, but don't have any romance with. It just seems more and more the art of being someone's friend is lost in this day and age of sex, divorce, and heartbreak.

I really don't understand the opposite gender. The last three people I asked out, that is to go get a drink with me, said no under the pretence that they didn't want to start a relationship. God damnit people! I don't fucking want one either, I just want to get to know you fucking people so I might understand what it is I am attracted to in you and find out what that means for me. If I like you for any reason at all then there is something in me that I see in you. I figure if I can figure out what it is I keep getting so torn up about then maybe I can quit being so fucking torn up and start actually seeing people again on a level that I am not just using them for my more core, base desires. Mainly sex.

I think I need to kill something pixilated...

lately...

2008-09-15T21:01:00.000-06:00

I will follow you into the dark

2008-09-15T15:32:00.001-06:00

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

2008-09-15T14:10:00.000-06:00

borde, sober (kinda), hungry, lonely, and happy...

There are people in my life that love me. It is good to be me.

2008-09-08T23:35:00.000-06:00

when she laughs I feel like a part of me is better for it.
it seems that I am never what I would like myself to be.
yet I am always that which I find to be me.
I am.
right?

tonight I find myself at a quandary: wait.
or flee.

I highly dislike how someone else can so easily influence my state.

I need to find a place in myself that needs none of this that my current psyche is feeding off of and growing more powerful with the moment.

Fuck.

nothing in my brain allows me to stop.

So I fall again...

damn it all to hell and back if there is such a place...

crush...

2008-09-06T01:46:00.000-06:00

so there is this girl...
I haven't had a crush in years... long time. And out of the blue here one comes. The kinda crush that makes me shy. I have been alot of things in the last few years, none to many I am proud of, but I have managed to have only one crush, J, and that's just cause he is pretty. But this one came out of the blue.

Maybe this is what I need...

again?

2008-09-05T02:11:00.000-06:00

you'd think I was dying or somesuch... here I am again, thinking of things and people that no longer have anything to do with me or my life.

life moves around me
faster and faster
as if I were supposed to be a part of it
but I'm not
and I am left to think that there is nothing
I can do
nothing that will make
any difference
to anything

seems that I have my lot in life
despite myself.
how can I really be happy with that?

num4ii

2008-09-04T23:25:00.000-06:00

so I am lucky. Or I have amazing people surrounding me. Reguardless, I have been given three laptops, in the last two months. What I write to you now from it my newest laptop, from my sister and her husband (Steph & Kev you two are awesome) who gave it to me cause I am now in school. Thanks. The first was from my work, the second from Kathy, and now my fam gets in on the action... the first has no RAM, the second has a failing video card, and this one is just bad@ss...

first post from new comp is always short, and for good reason, I have backgrounds to look for...

drunk...

2008-08-31T23:25:00.000-06:00

huh... I never used to write on this blog drunk, now I have abandoned the fucked up blog that I had, due mainly to the fact that I am not fucked up as often any more, and that is a good thing. Hella good actually. But I am fucking trashed right now. & blogging. drinking alone never really appealed to me until I worked 6.5 hours and made $42.00 total. that is 2.13 an hour, and $30 for the night. at this point I don't care who knows how much I don't fucking make at LS. Dude, this job isn't what I needed. It is more work and not close to any money. Fuck, I make more at lunch at my real job. and on top of everything I am working two jobs, and going to school. (which I love more then anything in the world, next class tues @ 9:10am and I am excited!) (& totally off subject check this shiznat out, explains alot of my mentality. among other things...) School is awesome, but I am just beginning (bless spell check...) and I am looking back at my post now, seeing that I write more drunk then sober... then again I don't get any alone time with a computer of my own... Which leads to less posts and more when I am drunk. but that is alright. I just found out that I have people that read this. So w00t to you fine people (all 3 of you... if there are actually 3 of you...). You are awesome. and hell if there are are more, sobeit. I really don't care at this point. Love you all. sort of.

windows sucks...

2008-08-30T19:08:00.000-06:00

*explicative warning*

Goddamnfuckingshithellmotherfuckern*gg*rlickingassfuckingbitchwhorecuntFUCK!!!

ahhhh....

that felt great. and to have my name next to something like that makes it all feel great. I am writing to you not even on my free laptop, that is failing faster and faster these days, not that John's box is doing much better, but it is at least booting into an operation system (Fedora 9) and good lord God Damn I love Linux. I won't ever go back to Vista, and I will only use open source, that is to say free and community developed software. Even if I have to stumble blindly through the set-up of countless drivers and even more programs. I see why there are people that are paid to do this for corporations. Speaking of my work might want me to be a backup IT guy... yay... ecstatic about that... not really.

I love the fact that I am being forced to take pictures. it means I get to know my style better and see that I have a long way to go... And good Lord god damn it all to hell this shit is fucking expensive... School is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do. I am working two jobs, so that I can pay for it myself. and I have to pay for my dead computer. and Tomi (bless that woman).

I will put some pics up soon, prolly tonight, if I don't end up going out on my only day off...

life goes on...

2008-08-19T21:47:00.000-06:00

so, tonight I write to you from my free laptop, who's video card is failing fast, and without a desktop to call my own. School starts next week andI have two jobs, and no damn computer... so this might be my only blog for a bit... if not, then it will be a good thing. otherwise sweet lord I hate the fact that my computer is broken... Lonestar will be yet another serving job, luckily I am tied to the regional manager so I am sure to be fine when it comes to job security. I like the place though. good people.

2008-08-08T23:36:00.000-06:00

Friday night and I am all alone... Good. Honestly. I never have time to just be. To have a moment where I can do whatever I want in the whole of my world. I am more then excited to be going back to school.

My brain doesn't like to let me sleep these days. I feel like there is something that I need to be doing that I am not. a restlessness in my soul that keeps me thinking about people far longer, and far deeper then I should. Hell I fell in love at first sight for crying out loud. I am happy I did it, and the brief and beautiful relationship that died just about as fast as it started. huh... haven't had that many romantic relationships, but any of them have left me lacking.

And my brain moves on, finds the next hapless soul that falls into it's obsession, and takes my heart and soul along with it. (to the detriment of all involved...) It will settle long enough to freak the person out and then crash horribly in an explosive turmoil that knocks me out. I don't fucking want this shit! really...

Why is it I can't just be happy alone?

EVE, among other things...

2008-08-07T00:44:00.000-06:00

it's just a free trial, taht is what keeps going through my head. I only have two weeks of it free and then I have to pay, and I want to... but I don't. this might very well destroy any chance for me to be able to get a girl ever again, but I have a little free time... not soon seeing as I am going back to school in the fall...

It is better then doing drugs. I think. and it is definitely better then wallowing in depression, plus if I destroy enough of my life I can sell my online persona and make hundreds of dollars... maybe...

oops...

2008-08-05T20:34:00.001-06:00

oh yeah.... I was accepted to the U of U today, or I found out today, and that is always a good thing...

the nights celebration...

2008-08-05T20:33:00.000-06:00

home life

2008-08-05T20:27:00.001-06:00

seems that my life is a beautiful thing. I never seem to be unhappy for too long. Life is good. My cousin and I are settling in to home life in the geek nest... I am amazed every day that I am alive, it all goes on around me, life, work, people, love. I see everything in my life as temporary right now, I found out that The U actually wants me to be going to school there. it is a beautiful thing. Fall of 08 My triumphant return to scholarly endeavors. yay for me, it only took me 5 years, one crazy girlfriend and shitloads of substance to pull my head out of my ass. Isn't that great?

I live now with my cat, my cousin, and my computers (I love being able to say I have more then one computer now, I write to you on Four right now, and I love that I can blog wherever I can find an internet connection. and that is amazing...) Now I don't remember what the hell I was saying.. eh. life goes on right?

honestly, I know that there is something that looking for can't find. Something that eludes me regardless of knowing, regardless of seeing, and regardless of finding parts of truth. but I am finding that the things I "know" are not what I think they are and the things that I love that are disappearing are not as important as I thought before.

number Four!!!

2008-07-31T23:42:00.000-06:00

ha ha! I have officially acquired a laptop! My good friend Kathy gave me her old laptop, failing as it was (the monitor is going to go out at any point...) it is a beautiful thing. I fixed it, slapped WinBorgXP on it and now it works! fuck yeah! I am toasty.

2008-07-27T22:41:00.000-06:00

If there was me, and it led to
You, then there would be this bliss that we
Are, yet we aren't
In the foyer yet. Learning
Love is the lesson both
You and I need to learn.
Should something stand forth and
Be what is. Or should I be
Ablw to let it lie,
To let it be what it is.
Prove that I am not
It. -
Right is the only way to be. And
Now. There is only what is left.

2008-07-23T02:10:00.000-06:00

Bought Jack for John. Still thinking too much but this place is getting to me, thankfully. I love listening to the wind. Keep your camera close to you bitch! Played Boccie till 1AM... With peoplewe know (the Browns?!?) lovin life ed note read: truly trashed Wish I was not as drunk as Montana appears to make me nowadays. As of right now, drunk, domed, and not in my right mind. I am planning to spend next summer Here, and if not here then West Yellowstone (more) ed note: I ran out of paper here and turned it over there is an arrow I drew here Because the thing is that this place seems to thrive on summer buisness. I can see why, this is the most beautiful country I have ever visited. Spending a summer up here would teach me about small town living, which I never seemed to get with Elle, even though she was from a small town... huh... I want to spend time with the town of West Yellowstone. Even if I have to come up here before the season starts (May/April) Establish my space. I am a bartender. I need a bar.

2008-07-23T00:45:00.000-06:00

I am the chosen one to
Find the part of
Myself that connects to Humanity. A lost
Longing that shows itself
For what It really is'
That which scares those of us
Which seem to not understand the
"I" of the matter. Who can though? I
Think that there are more
That think they are
I then actually
Want to be That Which Is.
Yet nobody seems to get that
I have already seen and,
Come to places beyond. Look
Up they said. There is a
Short path that
Every person should take some
Time. and find. It is happiness in us all.

2008-07-23T00:37:00.000-06:00

What can be possible
Is only what you have inside, yet
Love seems to be
At the beck and call of that which should be
First before anything. If you lose
Sight of that which becomes you,
If you love which is you.
It will destroy your Zen. But what
Isn't? What can really be said of love?

2008-07-23T00:30:00.000-06:00

I feel like there is
Finally a point that I can
Feel that might make a difference
At the point that we all need
Peace & Harmony. Being
With a family member that loves
The being together. Shows me
Love that I might not have seen.
The fact that I no longer feel the
Longing that I thought would follow me
Inside. Means that I might be whole
And in synK with that which
I might.
Know and love. Yet
I am full of
Need that needs
To be that which must
Stop.

2008-07-22T14:57:00.000-06:00

Why would tomorrow with all it's unanswered questions,
Be answered before today.
The Now matters. Tomorow may not only never come, but It may not matter weather it comes at all. All that is is the is. The Here and The Now. There is that which is. And that which Is Not
I am that which is.
Nothing more, nothing less.

2008-07-22T00:59:00.000-06:00

Spent the first day thinking of her. But that is expected. Hate my Phone. It connects me to things I don't want to be. I need to find me. B4 I can think about anything anymore
God I am drunk btw...
First night was good at least one good pic in the bunch. I love being able to hear the wind. and the water. It southes me. Domed all day but happy to be.
think that I am done smoking but I don't think that anything I say at this point matters.

PS:It all matters in some respect (Next night)

vacation

2008-07-21T02:18:00.000-06:00

I only really want to Blog when I have something in my system. But this time there is reason. I get to spend the next six days at my cabin, which is my favorite place in the whole world. Honestly. I would spend the rest of my life there if I could. Right now I am WAY too drunk to be typing (thank God for spell check) and I really should go to bed. which I will, and then leave tomorrow, bright and early...

Two Pennies led me around SLC last night..

2008-07-20T11:06:00.001-06:00

So I just had this fucking amazing idea, or at least it kept me entertained while I was borde. Fuck it, I will just give you the rules...

1. You need Two Pennies (Honestly, these can be any coin, as long as they both have a "heads" and "tails" and are the same relative size.)

2. You need a Camera, or something to do when told to stop and look around, I take pictures, that seems like the one that works right now but these things don't need to be exact, I am only writing these down after walking around in 100 degree heat...

3. Walking shoes. This one is important, you have to be willing to follow #4 to the utmost, that implies that you can stop on a dime (or a penny) and pay attention to the world around you.

4. Dash of Chaos. This is an important one, you can't over think what you are doing. Let the randomness of the exercise flow, if you will.

Directions: Heads is left, tails is right. Walk in straight lines, or follow paths if they are there. Start by walking to the first sidewalk you find (dirt path, road, whatever) stand so that it stretches off to your left and right, Flip a Penny, Heads Go Left, Tails go right. Follow the path. While wandering along hold the two pennies in your hand, move them around as you walk, it doesn't matter if you drop one, but I will talk about that in a sec, whenever you are presented with a fork in your chosen path hold the two pennies out and look as to how they are facing, HH = left, HT = straight, TT= right. Follow me sofar? If you drop a penny immediately look to the left or right, there is something Chaos wants to show you there. If you drop both then turn around. All the time pay attention to where Chaos is taking you, if you go around on block twice, maybe you missed something.

I think I really have gone crazy... this is awesome!

huh...

2008-07-19T15:46:00.001-06:00

so the internet told me to use multiple browsers... so now I am diversifying my browser experience... the one I am using for "networking/blog" lets me blog from inside the browser... huh... and here I was thinking that should have been done years ago.... either way. Cheers!

Blogged with the Flock Browser

pics

2008-07-19T14:11:00.000-06:00

2008-07-17T18:21:00.000-06:00

my life flashed before my eyes today. Some idiot hit me on my bike, I'm fine, just shaken, and with a newfound appreciation for life! But the thing I didn't like about it was that I was bored, I feel like I need to do something with my life, I am sitting on all these wonderful things that I have been given, and what am I doing with it? Not a damn thing.

Who am I really to think that I am going to affect? That is the part of my brain that continues to remind me I am a product of my mother. I love her so, just critical as fuck, good for alot of things in life, just not people, or relationships in general... Who knows, I hope to get away from the negative in my life so as to rely on a more sunny disposition.

For the Record: I think I want to write on this thing (my Blog) more often, it will help to have the computer in my bedroom.

2008-07-15T23:03:00.000-06:00

AH!!! Back again! You never know how much something means until it is gone! The internet is my one place that I get all my information anymore. No TV except when watching movies (which John has a lot of...) and when Battlestar is on... Damn I am a geek, leader of geeks actually. But who knows.

Life is fucking amazing. I am into my new place ($1300 lighter mind you) and all the better for it, only 5 block from work and twice the size of my place with Elle. I am loving spending as much time as I have been with my Cousin and roommate. Seems like I never knew I wanted a brother till I had one...

Love fucking blows btw, just as soon as I say fuck it all it sneaks up on me and takles me to the ground... I feel as if I am standing on the precipice of a huge cavern, toes hangin over, and I know that the only option at this point is to quit bitching and take the plunge. But Fuckoff, really, I mean I don't want any of that shit right now, I was almost to the point of being happy with myself, why do I have to go through this right now? I mean if I had a little more time under my belt I might feel better about everything but the fact is I don't. I have this gut feeling that I am going to be hurt either way I take it so I might as well enjoy the frightening ride...

Fuck it. Really, it seems that I can ramble about the most pointless shit and put it out there for you to see. whoever you is... My photography is frustrating. I can't figure out which direction I want to take most of my shit. I like the abstract, but my communication is not as igh as I need it to be. I don't have the equipment I want, therefore I don't want to use the equipment I have. I mean really man, I need to quit bitching and get out there...
----------------
Now playing: Iron & Wine - Jezebel
via FoxyTunes

2008-06-15T01:14:00.001-06:00

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
- Robertson Davies

2008-06-14T11:35:00.000-06:00

and here it is... noon on a Saturday and I am questioning if my life means anything... Alright, not really. I just can't think right now. All alone in my house and my cat and I have bonded as much as two people of separate species could... My faithful roommate (and Cousin) has abandoned me to go to Washington for a week and I am left to my own devices. and look what I do with my time... play Mass Effect until my eyes bleed (good game btw). And then, holy shit, this post got bigger then I thought it was going to be... huh. I guess I can ramble when I am board...

faith

2008-06-05T23:34:00.000-06:00

I don't understand what drives some people's trust in the fact that there is some power out there greater then themselves. There alway has to be some sort of "God" or "Jesus" (my minister would kick me right now for separating the two...) or even "money", "job", or "lifestyle".

What is wrong with us, really? Everything. Damn. What flawed creatures we must be to have created all of this, civilization.

HA! then there is me, babbling along. The one thing I miss about believing in God is always having someone I could talk to. Out loud, you know? Nowadays I talk to myself when I am alone, which is better then talking to some figment of the collective mainstream's imagination, I will at least answer my own questions to the best of my ability, no God ever did that for me...

What I really mean to say is that people are crazy. Or maybe that is me... either way I know that when you talk to God it is prayer, when He talkes back, you are crazy.

A few pictures

2008-06-05T21:43:00.000-06:00

two roads diverge in the woods, take the one less traveled? or follow your nose?

2008-04-22T20:43:00.000-06:00

the nose knows! Instinct tells me that I stink. I need to be something else. I need to find the me that isn't scared, that does what he needs to do. I need to pull my head out of my ass and really commit to the fact that I am a good person and can do what this life needs me to do. I am in a place, standing on a precipice looking down on what I can make of my life and I am seeing too much potential to stop short of anything less then greatness.

right.

and now I really need to think about what that actually entails. I didn't treat Elisse the way that I wanted to be known as treating anyone, she wasn't a saint either, but I need to quit taking what I have for granted.

wait one damn second there.

that's it. My life has been one thing after another given to me. I need to start taking what I need from this life not waiting around for everything to come to me. I really need to find the part of me that isn't lazy. Find the part of me that gets off on being perfect about everything I possibly can be.

and I will try not to listen to another instinct, leftover from years of suppression of my emotions. That little mug holding devil that stands over me and tells me that I will never be enough, that I can't do a single thing right, and I will always fail, because that is what I do best.

That demon has no power here anymore, over me or any part of my life.
That is what will allow me to move forward.

My eye! My eye!

2008-04-10T00:22:00.000-06:00

So... you should go look at the pictures I took at my cousin John's (Parker's) surprise birthday party. There are a lot of pictures from there so it might take some time, take all the time in the world. "Why?" you might ask, these are probably people you don't know from adam/eve. Well my friends those are the last pictures from that lens forever... (pause for effect)

My lens broke, and now nasty light is leaking on all over the inner workings, therefore rendering my camera useless for the time being... I am heartbroken.

And now introducing Carter needs a lens donation fund! You can help grant a dying wish that Micky sing to him Elvis while riding a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon. No, that is a lie, there is no sick child, just a poor photographer that needs a new lens so as to be able to capture life again. Now accepting donations. ;)

On Endings

2008-03-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

It is done. My fiance and I are no longer engaged. That is to say Elisse and I broke up. Everyone keeps asking "why?" and all I really can say to that is that we both decided that we needed to grow, and we decided that we needed to do that alone. My heart aches like it has been sat on, but slowly. Not any kind of sharp pain, just a dull sense of loss. This time there was no fire, no explosion, no anger even. We both just decided to not be together anymore. And that, as they say, is that.

My Nephew Cole

2008-02-18T01:25:00.000-07:00

I am an Uncle!

Kevin Coleman Lavin, III (aka: Cole)

7lbs. 14oz. & 18 inches long.

I am happy for my sister and her husband,
and know that they will be wonderful parents.
best of luck

2008-02-02T02:26:00.000-07:00

people in my life that are important to me right now.

2008-02-02T02:06:00.000-07:00

life is good, but I am not happy. Or am I? I am taking some time and really thinking about what I need and want in my life. My girlfriend of three years moved out today (yesterday) so that I might be able to do that. But she is coming back for a minute right now so I must get ready for her arrival. I will post again soon... or I won't. I really don't think anyone really reads this so I don't even know why I say when I will post or why I feel bad when I don't post. Then again maybe if I posted more often people might actually read it. What am I saying? People will read whatever is sensational at the moment and I really don't think anything I put here would qualify as that. If you are reading this then thank you.

life

2007-12-06T04:27:00.001-07:00

life right at this very moment is the best I have had it yet. I am madly in love with the most beautiful girl in the world, I love my job, and my parents (still) aren't really talking to me, well I take that back, I have spoken to my father, and he is well. I don't even know if anyone reads this thing anymore, or at all for that matter. check out picasa, I am currently uploading 200+ pictures that I have taken over the last few months. Enjoy.

life

2007-12-06T04:27:00.000-07:00

Beauty

2007-12-06T03:50:00.000-07:00

There is mutch beauty in this world and I have been partial to a great sum of it in a short time. I am very happy to be living with sutch beauty in my life

speaking of many things

2007-11-10T01:42:00.000-07:00

So my life continues to move on, I am now engaged to be married to the love of my life, Elisse. I work at a swank high end bar in a posh hotel. I have plans to be in school and I have a good idea what I want to do with my life, take pictures and build computers. Funny how trite your life looks when you summarize. I am happy. Tending bar is teaching me a lot about alcohol and even more about people. I see people at there best, and I see people at there worst. All this and I still have trouble talking to people. My mother (as usual) isn't speaking to me, but that is likely to change with the wind, so don't hold your breath on news for that. Honestly, I don't even know who reads this blog right now, but I do plan to travel, and I have been writing more, so I do have things I will be bringing to this blog, check back whoever you might be.

Quick Quote of the day...

2007-09-21T22:56:00.000-06:00

The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive. - John Sladek

L10068611.jpg (JPEG Image, 650x274 pixels) - Scaled (74%)

2007-09-11T02:26:00.000-06:00

L10068611.jpg (JPEG Image, 650x274 pixels) - Scaled (74%)

been a while...

2007-09-10T22:30:00.000-06:00

months, I know, but who actually reads this anyway?
Great job tending bar at Club Bambara, under the Hotel Monaco here in the jolly city of Salt Lake. Elisse and I are happily in love. School is not a lost cause anymore, while not in school currently, hope to be and am able to in the spring.
All in all things are going well. Damn, that is really boaring. I guess I am down on myself and I don't really know why. It is probably just that my birthday is coming up and I am always down around my birthday. My mother always found a way to sneak some aspect of guilt into the last few birthdays I have had, granted I have been pretty bad about her birthdays in the past couple of years, that is probably it now that I think about it.
I have my photos, they allow me to find parts of this world that are beautiful and allow me to show that little bit of beauty to everyone I can. That is one reason I love the internet.
pictures, pictures, pictures... gotta love it.

Destructive dog

2007-05-25T10:39:00.000-06:00

Gmail - 0523072005a.jpg

I never knew my little dog had this in him... If the house wasn't being demolished soon we would have to replace the carpet. I didn't think he had it in him.

Things I want to do before I die

2007-05-12T13:22:00.000-06:00

-Know my heritage and go to the places that my family comes from.
-Visit every contanent and bring back photos from each that I took. (Antartica might have to be left out of that one...)
-Graduate from college with a degree
-learn fluently one other language.
-Play with a chess master and learn something
-Work with a professional photographer
-Take a photo that somebody describes as a "masterpiece"
-Understand the inner workings of my personal beliefs well enough to tell someone else about it
-Help at least one person improve there life in some manner

Bambara

2007-04-25T00:21:00.000-06:00

So life went to hell there for a bit, floated between jobs for a second, and now I have Bambarra. Quite possibly the nicest restaurant in Salt Lake. If I fuck up no, so help me God I don't deserve to be in this industry. But, alas I must go to sleep, have to be there bright and early at 8AM. Post again soon.

Farewell to Sam-Jew

2007-01-31T22:36:00.000-07:00

And a good time was had by all. Have fun in Cali Sam.

2007-01-26T02:28:00.000-07:00

So I can't sleep, again, and I find myself here, at this computer, typing to no one, on my blog that nobody reads. Damn I can get myself down real fast. Eh, I know that despite my online persona I am a successful person in my own right. I am happy and in love. Nobody tells me what to think. I don't owe anyone anything. At the same time I see my life as one thing after another. One long chain of events one leading to another down a path that I can't really say that I can see the end of. But I am ok with the fact that I can't, it makes the day to day stuff more interesting. Long story short I sit her typing and realize that I really am happy, that nothing in this world could stop me from being such. On that note I say goodnight.

Google Browser Sync

2007-01-09T00:09:00.000-07:00

Google Browser Sync

Google rocks... saves pages over different machenes. I could turn my computer off right now and finish this post from here... all built into my browser seamless...

Google Firefox Extensions

2007-01-08T00:22:00.000-07:00

Google Firefox Extensions

Table of Malcontents

2007-01-05T23:36:00.000-07:00

Table of Malcontents

new shiznat

2007-01-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

photo update:

http://picasaweb.google.com/carter.foulger

enjoy

Quandry

2006-12-31T01:21:00.000-07:00

as I may or may not have shown you I have a new digital camera. As a photographer I am faced with a new question, or in other words I can do something that I couldn't do before: I can delete photos.

I really don't know how to take this. I have always believed that my art is sacred. That only 1 in 100 photos it "good" and 1 in 1000 are fit for a portfolio. But it was the 999 previous photos that made the one last one great... or was it?

If I were no never allow past my front door anything I didn't deem perfect then I could delete hundreds of photos before anyone else got to see them and maybe, just maybe, find the one hiding in the 999 that I missed and didn't realize was a great photo. If those 999 don't exist anymore then what if somewhere along the way I was wrong? Where exactly would that bit of artistic expression go but to waste? My moment in time that I captured? Really?

Digital scares me...

(One more) Victory!!

2006-11-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

ESA Press Release